Dating the Gods of Theros

Theros has one of the most flavorful settings of Magic’s many planes, bringing the classic Greek myths to life with all their power and majesty. Of course, none of these myths would be complete without the presence of the Gods themselves, who tirelessly appoint champions to fight the monsters of the land.

While it is important to treat these Gods with reverence and awe, the holiday season does inspire us to curl up with some cocoa, a few soft blankets, and a special someone to watch “Love Actually” for the 58th time. Dating and relationships are difficult on any plane of existence, but at least we know that with Theros’s Gods, our devotion can be easily measured and maintained.

With this in mind, I’ve created a well-researched, data-driven, and rational ranking of the most dateable Theros Gods. For the purposes of this essay, I have created two axes with which to judge these deities: Fun vs. Emotional Availability. Fun is an important metric for any partner, since shared, positive experiences form the foundation of any relationship. Emotional Availability encompasses each God’s ability to provide support during hard times, in your relationship and on the battlefield.

With that, let’s start with the lowest of the low and go up from there!

LOW FUN / LOW EMOTIONAL AVAILABILITY

Heliod, God of the Sun

While Heliod may be God of the Sun, his reputation, deep insecurities and low impact in a Commander game cast more shade on him than anyone else in the pantheon. Based on his treatment of Gideon and Elspeth, Heliod is only looking out for his own interests – partners and champions be damned to hell (literally). Be sure to swipe left on this profile before you end up shafted by his toxic love.

Phenax, God of Deception

Phenax is known for his love of creatures with high toughness (and despite being the God of Deception, he cannot lie about that). While he may impart the gift of milling to his ardent defenders, Phenax’s abilities prove to be bittersweet in the long run. The two of you might have amazing chemistry on the battlefield, but the amount of hate you’ll draw from your Commander opponents will make you drop him like he’s hot. Do not bring this God home for Thanksgiving.

Mogis, God of Slaughter

Mogis is a rather single-minded deity, focused on the thrill of the kill. While he does hit hard once he’s a creature, his abilities still leave a lot to be desired. Making your opponents sacrifice a creature or lose two life is a small, short-sighted price to pay, and you deserve a partner who can play the long game without showing off his Krav Maga moves. He is very good at beer pong.

Pharika, God of Affliction

Despite her mastery of life and death, Pharika’s skills as a partner and on the battlefield are uninspiring at best. Her abilities and interests are far too narrow, and while she does provide you with deadly danger noodles, it’s not enough to make up for her lack of versatility. Hard pass.

HIGH FUN / LOW EMOTIONAL MATURITY

Xenagos, God of Revels

While Xenagos may have long since departed the Theros Pantheon, his love of parties easily makes him the most fun God to be around. The perfect host, Xenagos will always make sure the libations never run dry, the beat will always drop, and that one creature will get really swole every turn. That being said, he isn’t terribly useful, thoughtful or well-rounded, so you might want to keep this party dude at arm’s length.

Purphoros, God of the Forge

The God of Heat, Fire, Passion and Creation, Purphoros is an intense partner in life and in Commander. While his delight in each of your newly-created creatures may be infectious, the consistent damage he’ll deal your opponents will wear out their patience. Like Phenax, he’ll soon become a partner everyone will love to hate. However, he is at least more fun to hang with, and always brings the best craft beer.

Keranos, God of Storms

Keranos may be the God of Inspiration, but his tendency to run hot and cold can make him a fickle partner. Sometimes you’ll draw a land, so he’ll help you with card advantage. When you don’t, you have to deal a paltry three damage to any target (which can yield mixed results). While some folks might enjoy the idea of gambling with chance, Keranos’s lack of consistency makes him great for a reality show, but maybe not long-term material.

LOW FUN / HIGH EMOTIONAL MATURITY

Klothys, God of Destiny

While surprisingly versatile on the battlefield, Klothys can be a high maintenance partner to have around. Her strong preference to keep everything (and everyone) in their place can be difficult to deal with – she’ll make sure socks are kept in the sock drawer, snacks are always put away, and that the titans stay chained up in your sub-basement. Klothys’s perfect date will always be a trip to Ikea’s storage section, though a venture to your local yarn store might be a great runner-up.

Iroas, God of Victory

Dependable, steadfast and aggressive, Iroas is a solid partner to have both at home and in your EDH game. He cares about you and your friends, making sure your attacking creatures never take damage while giving them pseudo-evasion with menace. Radiating pure Dad energy, Iroas will gladly coach your kid’s softball team, build a cross-fit gym in the garage, and bring celery snacks for everyone (negative calories!). Just don’t expect him to make dinner reservations anywhere other than Applebee’s.

Kruphix, God of Horizons

Kruphix is the kind of God you meet at a friend’s party who lurks near the bookshelves with an artisanal drink and a sensible sweater vest. When he’s not talking your ear off about his most recent Medium article, he’s helping expand your hand size and your brain with his insights. Always a prudent God, he’ll keep your unspent mana from being wasted, though making it colorless is a bit lame. A solid, dependable choice for folks who value knowledge over excitement.

Nylea, God of the Hunt

Nylea is the ultimate Yoga Mom, inspiring responsible hunters everywhere to use their toned arms effectively either in the forest or studio. For three generic mana and one green, she can boost the overall strength of one of your creatures by +2/+2 (which is enough to add muscle definition, but not complete swoleitude). Though she’s useful at giving your creatures trample, Nylea might just be a little too basic for most folks. She really likes juice cleanses.

Athreos, God of Passage

Dating Athreos is a bit like dating your local toll collector. Sure, he’s kind of cute for the five seconds you see him during your work commute. But imagine waking up to that gaunt, workaholic God every morning and listening to him complain about traffic and foreign coins. He is great at bringing back creatures, but the three life your opponents might have to pay to keep them dead isn’t a very high cost. Athreos is reliable, but maybe a better choice for those who prioritize financial stability over fun.

HIGH FUN/ HIGH EMOTIONAL MATURITY

Erebos, God of Death

They say you can always count on two things in life: Death and Taxes. As Erebos is the boss of the former, you can always rely on him to give you a good time while making sure your opponent’s life totals don’t outshine yours. Fashionably dressed in Mono-Black, Erebos always gives you the option of drawing cards at a fair price. Tall, dark, and the epitome of handsome value, Erebos will always see you through.

Karametra, God of Harvests

Your partner should always set you up for success, and Karametra is one of the best Gods to do it. Karametra is the epitome of the “Mom Friend,” always making sure you have all the mana you need to cast spells and kick butt. A fan of house parties, she’ll reward you for bringing creatures onto the battlefield and will absolutely make sure that there are gluten-free vegan options for your friends. Warm, thoughtful and supportive, Karametra is a fantastic Commander and a Tier One God.

Thassa, God of the Sea

Though she’s a bit protective of her weapons these days, Thassa is a God that looks out for your best interests and clears a path for your creatures. Her scry ability is one of the best assets in a game of Commander, and she’ll always make certain that you have a good chance to draw what you need. While she might not be happy about sharing sweaters with you, it’s great to have a partner who is clear about their boundaries.

Ephara, God of the Polis

Sophisticated, enterprising and wise, Ephara is the kind of God who has her stuff together. A career God, Ephara is absolutely into networking for the best possible reason – to make friends! Every new creature you bring onto the battlefield gives you an extra card during your next upkeep, which is nothing to sneeze at. Strong, thoughtful and socially adept, be sure to keep this God in your life.

CONCLUSION

I hope this scientifically accurate ranking of the Gods of Theros has been of use to you. We’ll see how these Gods fare in Theros: Beyond Death!