Alright, Card Kingdom, LISTEN UP! My name is Maxx Punchgood, and I’m your new… [glances down to check nametag] …Human Resources Manager?
Anyway, I bet you’re wondering, “Say, Maxx, whatever happened to—” [glances down to check nametag again] “—Maurice?” Well, first of all, SHUT UP – nobody said you could ask questions! But, since we’re on the subject, I can tell you that…Maurice will be taking an indefinite leave of absence to spend more time with his family, or cats, or something.
Any questions? No? GOOD!
So, here’s what you need to know: The old Card Kingdom is gone – this kingdom is GRUUL TURF now! And that means we’re going to be making some changes.
First of all, NO MORE HANDSHAKES! Handshakes are stupid and unsanitary. Instead of shaking hands, bump fists.
Second, NO MORE FIST-BUMPING! Fists are for punching, not for bumping.
Third, NO MORE HR MEDIATION! From now on, all inter-office disputes will be resolved by fighting. Did someone take your sandwich from the breakroom fridge? Boo-hoo. You don’t like it? Find that sandwich thief, and punch the sandwich back out of them! The problem is now solved, and no one had to come whining to Maxx. Also, you should really label your food. THERE ARE SHARPIES BY THE FRIDGE FOR A REASON!
Fourth, the fridge will be cleaned every Friday at 3 PM, and any unlabeled food will be PUNCHED and THROWN OUT! Seriously, people, don’t be pigs. Unless, of course, you’re a giant, vigilant, and hasty end-razer boar – because, if you are, thank you for trampling the status quo beneath your mighty hooves!
Fifth, we no longer offer rush shipping. The only rush I want in this office is BLOODRUSH!
Sixth, all water coolers have been removed from the building. I WANT YOU THIRSTY FOR BLOOD, NOT FOR WATER!
Seventh, the coffee maker has been removed from the breakroom. I WANT YOU THIRSTY FOR BLOOD, NOT FOR COFFEE! Also, the coffee maker made me mad, so I punched it.
Finally, I’m no expert on social media, and I can’t ask [checks second nametag] …Francis? Francois? Frankie? You know what? It doesn’t matter. Anyway, instead of whatever stupid, non-fighting-related stuff we USED to tweet about, I want to hear about FIGHTING! So get on the Twitters and tweet at us using the #CKFight hashtag!
Wait, wait – new rule: hashtags are now called SMASHTAGS!
So tweet at us using the #CKFight SMASHTAG, and tell us about a riot you started at the table! What’s the most damage you’ve done in a turn? How many creatures have you attacked with at once? GIVE US YOUR MOST SAVAGE BEATS!
[eats second nametag]
Special thanks to Orcish Librarian for contributing this article!