Michelle: It’s that time of the year, when we realize that we’ve completely forgotten to obtain gifts for the people in our lives who expect them. Luckily, both Spice8Rack and I are here to help! Combining our in-depth knowledge of lore and impeccable taste, here is a go-to list for gifts based on your recipient’s favorite planeswalker!
Spice8Rack: That’s right! Whether your wife is an Ajani-phile, your nan a Chandra stan, or your son a Sorin nut, our advice will keep you covered this holiday season… Maybe, I make no personal guarantees.
Michelle: Someone who loves Ajani wants two things: a huge huggable soft cat and a big axe. Obviously, not everyone can adopt a Maine Coon kaiju in time for the holidays, but perhaps a giant cat plushie might do the trick with a set of kitchen cleavers to match?
Spice8Rack: Or, if for some reason cuddly things are off the table, why not reach for a more metaphorical example of Ajani’s warm and fuzzy nature? A Thermos for sharing hot soup on a cold night or a blanket to keep them warm during late night gaming?
Michelle: Just so long as you add an unobtrusive little note, reminding your friend to return the cloak – I mean, sweater – they borrowed after they thought you’d died – I mean, moved out of town.
Spice8Rack: The Venn diagram of Angrath Fans and Blacksmith Wannabes is a perfect and angry circle. I’d recommend iron-wrought anything; jewelry, kitchen appliances, photo frames like the one Angrath doubtless uses to hold a picture of the wife and children who he keeps abandoning. Whatever it is: make it METAL.
Michelle: I definitely concur, but would also like to add that a good pair of cargo shorts with ample room for blacksmithing materials (and a beer) would also be greatly appreciated. No one exudes Dad energy quite like Angrath, and whether he’s making nails or bellowing at a group of pirates, he’ll always have a cold brewski on hand (or in pocket)!
Michelle: Ashiok lovers tend to be drawn to the mystical, ethereal and edgy. This is why I would like to propose this Skrillex remix of Enya’s “Sail Away,” which I have burned on to an old-fashioned CD for peak nostalgia value. Look, I’ve even drawn some horns on it!
Spice8Rack: Wow Michelle, those ARE some impressive horns that I am definitely looking at as I write this! I agree with this characterization of Ashiok fans, and nothing says “I have a fascination with a goth smoke monster” than candles! Some tall, slender, dark/blue numbers that smell of lavender and/or misery.
Michelle: Ooh, that reminds me to put some essential oils in this smoke machine! SAIL AWAY SAIL AWAY SAIL AWAY!!!
Spice8Rack: Chandra embodies the kind of brash, instinctive, but ultimately caring and noble actions of most socially-conscious kids, young adults, and old people who gave their last toss sometime around 1991. Give the tools for something creative to a Chandra fan, but NO instructions. A spice rack with no cookery book. Paint and a canvas, but no lessons. Let their intuition guide them and just be prepared for a loveable mess.
Michelle: Indeed. You could also make a delicious mango-based dessert for that hardcore Chandra fan. Mango pie! Mango pudding! Mango fruit-by-the-foot (do they still make that?)!
Look, we both really like mangoes, okay?
Michelle: Elspeth has become beloved for her perseverance, faith and leadership by her many fans. However, I think the perfect gift would be one that completes her (and by extension your friend’s) wardrobe: a new cloak and breastplate.
Spice8Rack: Cruel jab at how Elspeth got stabbed by Heliod aside – Elspeth’s adopted home of Bant on Alara was always big on sigils. So why not honor its legacy with a brooch or badge? Something that both captures the spirit of someone close to you and that also says: “I will fight for the defenseless, and also this is covering up an irreparable mortal wound.”
Michelle: Fashionable, and functional!
Spice8Rack: Camo clothing has to be the one for me, chief. Be it new gloves, new trousers (pants for the yanks), a new phone case, a new career, whatever they need: make it camouflage. They’ll open it up on Christmas Day, look at you tearfully in the eye and say, “What is this? I can’t see it.”
Michelle: Anyone who loves Garruk is bound to appreciate something ruggedly wild that reeks of the hunt. So why not get them a Jerky of the Month Club membership? Once every moon cycle, you can give your friend the opportunity to gnaw on some preserved meat and pretend they’re out in the wilderness, chewing on the last kill they made with some sweet Teriyaki flavor.
Michelle: While most Gideon fans are drawn to his impeccable muscles or his considerable mutton chops, it’s his compassion and self-sacrificing sweetness that really make this planeswalker pop. Why not celebrate that with a gift of self-affirming yoga sessions, or a self-love calendar to help counter the mountains of guilt you feel inside?
Spice8Rack: Ha ha, Gideon sure did cause his friends to die! Personally, I think a line can be walked between brawn and compassion. Maybe some martial arts lessons? Or a mounted sword to hang above your door, lovingly engraved with an inspirational quote about leadership and responsibility.
Spice8Rack: Oh, easy. Books. 100% books. Non-fiction, preferably. Heavy theory tomes like Leviathan, Capital, a leather-bound copy of Frantz Fanon’s The Wretched of the Earth that you found underneath an armchair in an abandoned bookstore in the heart of Salem. If the Jace lover in your life is more of a fiction reader, go for something that feeeeels like non-fiction. Like War and Peace or Crime and Punishment.
Michelle: Alternatively, there’s also just coffee. Straight up, very fancy coffee. The kind you need to grind yourself, pray over, and brew at just the right temperature using filters made from the branches of Dominarian saprolings. It’ll be the perfect companion for a bookworm trying to digest Tolstoy for the fifteenth time.
Michelle: Perhaps a bigger duffel bag to carry that sylex replica around? Just kidding, we know that any fan of Karn is definitely going to want something a little more useful that can eliminate unsightly permanents. So how about this paper shredder?
Spice8Rack: Or why not recreate that time that Volrath forced Karn to kill a bunch of goblins, by putting him in a room with them and shaking it, with a pinball machine? You could even tape little terrified Mogg faces on some of the lights to make it extra uncomfortable!
Michelle: Haha…ha…ha…ha.. ::grimaces::
Spice8Rack: Those who put Kaya above all other planeswalkers strike me as maybe the most active of Magic’s playerbase. Some new, ethereal adjacent trainers, or a ghostly hoodie for late night jogs. Maybe a glow in the dark headband! Is it obvious that I have no idea what sporty people like?
Michelle: I….sometimes work out, so maybe some yoga pants that glow purple in the dark? Or some kettlebells with skulls painted on? Purple sticky grip socks?
Honestly, I’m just as lost as you. Usually, I just show up with a bag of raw almonds when my athletic friends are on keto, and that seems to do the trick.
Michelle: Anyone who says Liliana Vess is their favorite planeswalker will indubitably have fine taste in the most luxurious products. A gift certificate to Sephora to splurge on skincare would be ideal, or if you can swing it, some classic four-inch black Louboutins. Oh, and throw in a 20-year-old, perfectly aged Bordeaux while you’re gift wrapping everything in glimmering black silk.
Spice8Rack: DARK. CHOCOLATE. Liqueurs, caramels, dipped dates. Picture your loved one, lounging on a throne, plucking sweet treats from a tray held by an obedient zombie servant. Whatever treats you imagine first: a box of the richest version of that possible.
Michelle: Ooh, I love chocolate zombie way more than fruit zombie. Take that, Tasigur!
Spice8Rack: Honestly, what’s the first image that comes to mind when I say “Nahiri”? Badass lady, pulling a blade from a rock. What better way to simulate that for your friend/partner/child/nan than with a granite knife block? You could even paint little flames on it and all! Christmas: Saved.
Michelle: Someone who idolizes Nahiri that much might also have a deep penchant for vengeance that might need to be tamped down a bit. So maybe a gift certificate to a life coach who WON’T leave you stranded in your time of need might also be welcome!
Michelle: What do you get someone who idolizes the evil genius in your life trapped in the meditation realm? There’s really nothing better to keep your thoughts of frustration and revenge organized than a luxury Moleskine planner! Of course, if their need to dominate entire swaths of puny lives remains unfulfilled, there’s also a gift set of Warhammer 40k they might enjoy.
Spice8Rack: Notebooks and Necron models? Michelle, why can’t I get YOU as my Secret Santa? Ha ha ha, razor sharp wit aside, how about an ant farm? That way the recipient of this gift can shout “YOU ARE ANTS TO ME!” from their bedroom, and they’ll just be making an accurate observation.
Spice8Rack: Succ-u-lent. That’s all you need! We’ve been cooped up in our homes thanks to our own Planar Catastrophe and let me tell you: introducing plants to your home is a game changer. A succulent with vines like a String of Pearls makes for a wonderful over-the-window addition to any home, ESPECIALLY the home of an elf-stan.
Michelle: I’ve also been enamored with this Bob Ross chia pet, and it’s always great to have a reminder of the “happy little trees!” both Nissa and this legendary artist loved. Plus, you can get tiny little flowers to put in Chia Bob Ross’s hair, maybe some tiny clips…it would be adorable!
Michelle: What about a commemorative brick? Or perhaps a limited-edition LP of Pink Floyd’s The Wall?
Spice8Rack: Yeah, no, I’ve got nothing. I spat my apple juice reading this and I have nothing else to add. Perfect gift. Moving on.
Spice8Rack: Okay, I’m honestly not sure what to get an Ugin fan for Christmas because…well, honestly, is Ugin REALLY anybody’s favorite character? If they do exist, I think some kind of lava lamp, preferably one with glow-in-the-dark or metallic “lava” would suit both the mysterious ghost vibes that Ugin gives off. As well as act as a metaphor for how the dragon really just kind of sits in the corner during most of Magic’s grand narratives.
Michelle: Someone who loves Ugin might enjoy something a bit more ephemeral and elegant. Perhaps a carefully worded haiku inscribed on a rose petal. Or the faint scent of cherry blossoms on a spring wind, carefully captured inside a magic box of holding.
Or tea. Ugin stans would definitely like some decent Twinings.
Michelle: Someone who loves animals as much as Vivien would absolutely adore a donation to a local animal shelter in their name! Or perhaps a nighttime raid on a local zoo to unleash the unjustly confined beasts that rest therein – yes, I think that would be very Vivien.
Spice8Rack: OR one of those ball-throwing doo-hickeys that dogs love so much. You know the one – it’s like a really long ladle that’s curved and stuff. It’s a bit like a catapult, which is a bit like a slingshot, which is a bit like a bow! It’s good for all pets and even a lot of fun when you’re playing in the park with your family!
Michelle: I have it on good authority that they are also great gifts to use with toddlers. Come one, Payden! Go grab the ball! You can do it!
Spice8Rack: The Golgari are generally known for their poisons, potions, and powders (not really, but I needed a third “P” word). My recommendation for a Vraskamaniac would be EITHER a funky and exotic kind of liquor, like a maple syrup whisky, or specially flavored sloe gin, OR an exciting blend of loose leaf tea. Something that has all the feel or concocting an assassin’s brew, but with drastically fewer casualties.
Michelle: A fan of Vraska’s might also have a spectacular sculpture collection, likely inspired by their favorite planeswalker’s er..trophy garden. Why not give them a luxurious can of clear concrete sealant? True, it’s extremely practical. But when has a Vraskamaniac ever been less than pragmatic?
Spice8Rack: Well, I don’t know about you, Michelle, but I think you and I just single-handedly saved this festive season for the parents/partners/office Secret Santa strugglers the world over!
Michelle: Absolutely! I can’t imagine how anything we’ve recommended wouldn’t be the perfect present for that special someone in your life. Just be sure to keep a gift receipt, in case they turn out to be a Tibalt fan. There are some things that not even our combined powers can touch.
Happy holidays and stay safe!!