Top 10 Planeswalkers I Don’t Want a Valentines From

Happy Valentines Day, except for these 10 potential dates who I would say no to in a heartbeat. These Planeswalkers are a bunch of red flags in a trenchcoat. 

10. KARN

Karn is probably the least offensive potential match here, but that’s part of what makes him such a bad prospect. This guy has splinters from sitting on the fence so much, and you just know that his pacifist side is going to cause problems. There’s no way he’s not both-sidesing situations where you need him to be your rock, and it’s going to grate on you. He’s also the kind to forget important gestures and take the relationship for granted. 

Verdict: Friend Zone

9. VRASKA

Vraska seems like she might be a good match, until you dig in a little deeper and realize that she’s dealt with a lot of crap in her time, and has really strong boundaries. 

Provided you spend enough time with her, there’s a 100% chance she’s turning you into cold, hard stone the moment she detects disloyalty. Do you really want to be worrying about that?

Verdict: Great date for some fun, but keep it surface level. It’s not her, it’s you.

8. NAHIRI

Nahiri is unfortunately really in need of a good friend and someone to listen to her. She’s been dealt a bad hand, with successive betrayals from those who promised to support her. Being locked inside a vault of demons for a millennia by your friend and mentor changes you, and she’s become a bit of a lone wolf. While she’s going to gladly pay for dinner, you’re probably not getting a text back. Her anxious-avoidant attachment is going to spell disaster for any relationship until she can heal.

Verdict: Don’t get involved, but send her a birthday message so she knows someone cares.

7. DOVIN BAAN

Dovin is not relationship material. They’re the kind of person to expect you to have dinner on the table when they get back from work, but put zero effort into the relationship. They’re not even going to justify it with traditional values – they are just always at work. When they’re not at work, they’re “too stressed to talk” and need to “decompress”. Despite your best efforts, you’re not going to get the love and attention you seek from him. They don’t know what a relationship is.

Verdict: Call him to grab dinner now and again, and maybe he’ll hook you up with a job if you keep in touch.

6. NISSA

Nissa has been better. She’s still raw from losing her spark, and not a fun date. She’s going to end up pretty clingy pretty fast, but it’s not her fault. She hasn’t yet realized that she needs to be the love she seeks. She needs to put stock in the only person that’s going to rescue her: herself. 

You’re going to end up having a whirlwind romance until she realizes that deep down, she still feels empty. 

Verdict: Summer fling

5. OKO

Oko is a charming guy, and he’s in really good shape. You’re going to have a great time, at least until you end up back at his place. His home decor is peak “bachelor pad”. There’s one chair in the lounge, in front of a TV that’s situated on the floor. He has to wash the cups before you get the coffee that was promised, and he only has one pillow on his king-size mattress – which is also, incidentally, on the floor. 

Unfortunately, you find it hard to be mad at him. As soon as you make eye contact again, you’re forgiving him. It’ll take the group chat to convince you he’s a dead end prospect.

Verdict: Don’t get invested, and you’ll have a good time. He will forget important dates though. And probably won’t tell you when he moves house.

4. SORIN

Sorin is the ultimate heartthrob, and you’re surprised he even asked you out for a bite to eat. Something sounded ominous about that, but you can’t quite put a finger on why, exactly. He’s the perfect date, at least for the first few months, but under the surface, he’s a control freak. He orders your food for you, he tells you what to wear… it’s honestly a turn on, at least in the short term.

That is until you get a DM from his “crazy” ex, explaining how she narrowly escaped the most toxic relationship she’s ever had, and ropes you into her mission to steal back the cat that he stole from her. 

Verdict: You should know better

3. AJANI

Dude is a CAT. 

If you can get past that (and like, you do you), then you need to keep in mind that cats. are. MERCENARY. They don’t give you the kind of love that a dog does – they’re fickle creatures. The moment Ajani gets fed elsewhere, well, it’s a coin toss on whether he’ll be back again. Not to mention the mess you’re going to have to clean up every time he brings back a dead mouse and leaves it on the carpet. 

Verdict: Are you ready to housebreak him?

2. JACE

Jace is bad news. He’s a master manipulator, and you’ll never be sure if you’re actually falling for him, or whether it’s his mind magic playing tricks on you. He’s not going to be easy to get to know, either, and you’re going to be doing your best to be open and understanding, and he’s going to be questioning your openness as a manipulation.

He’s going to love the idea of a relationship, but he’s never going to truly commit to it – or to you. He’ll be great during the chase, but as soon as you’re going steady… Well, things are going to get dull really quickly. 

Verdict: There’s a chance you can fix him, but do you really want that kind of relationship?

1. Grist, the Hunger Tide

Grist is literally a pile of bugs. Creepy, crawly, disgusting, bitey, stingy, miasma ridden bugs. How are you going to explain this to your Mom? It’s going to be like the time she went through your browser history all over again.

Verdict: You need help.

END STEP

That’s ten Planeswalkers I absolutely don’t want a Valentines from. So who would I want one from?

Well, I’d happily go for everyone’s favorite Himbo, Tyvar. Dude works out, takes care of himself, doesn’t take himself too seriously, and seems like he’d be a great time. Or maybe Saheeli. I’m a sucker for watching people be amazing at whatever skills they’ve developed. She has her shit together.